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For the girl who has not yet been chosen

“Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” – Luke 1:45

It’s someone saying, “I know you, inside and out; good and bad. And I don’t want it.”

That’s the risk you take when you decide to open your heart. So how do you justify this risk? How do you justify willingly putting yourself in that position when you’ve never really been in love and all you’ve experienced is the “I don’t want you”? Because that happens. Some people never get the opportunity to experience what it’s like to have someone truly want you. Even if it doesn’t ultimately work out, some people never experience the feeling of someone saying, “yes, I’m in this. You and me. Let’s see where this goes.”

I’m one of those people. I’ve never had someone choose me and reject all of the other prospects; not completely at least. Anyone I’ve ever been with has always had one foot out the door and in another. So why do I keep trying? The answer is simple:

It’s those brief moments of pure happiness; of peace. Those brief moments that show you what forever could feel like. That’s why I keep trying. I have faith that one day that fleeting and temporary feeling will last a lifetime.

One day I will meet someone who will add so much to my happiness that those passing moments will seem like nothing; because this moment, this man, will make it all worth it.

I know I’m worth this. I’m worth the chance to give my heart to someone and to know that he’s not going anywhere.

The hardest part of this realization is remaining patient and holding on to the standards you’ve developed throughout the years. Being in this position will irrevocably shape you into a stronger and independent being, which in turn will make those brief moments of loneliness seem so much longer. Everything is so much more intense for those who handle their emotions on their own; but, that can be kind of beautiful, can’t it? Yes, those hard moments are heartbreaking; but that just means the incredible moments will be breathtaking in a way that people who have experienced love over and over again could never understand.

To those who are considering settling for anything less than amazing… stop making excuses.

“But he made me laugh.” Someone else will make you laugh. “But he held my hand.” Someone else will hold your heart. “But he texted me ‘good morning.'” Someone else will be there when you wake up. And this “someone else” will do what no one else has done–commit to you.

“Be strong. Be brave. Be fearless. You are never alone.” – Joshua 1:9

 

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prana.

I remember I  was sitting at the kitchen table. My parents were cooking dinner and there had been a question I had been wanting to ask my mom–only my mom.
“Mom?” She looked up from the vegetables she had been chopping. “Mhm?”
“How much do you love dad?” My dad stopped preparing whatever he was cooking and looked up at us.
“A lot,” she answered confused. “Why?”
“You could never live without him, right?”
She walked closer to me and said, “I would never want to, but I could if I had to.”
Something on my face must have shown disappointment because she then said, “that’s not the answer you wanted, was it?”
I said nothing.
At this point in time I was in seventh grade and had just finished reading Twilight, and I was under the impression that real love was quite literally not being able to breathe without the other person. So if my mom could live without my dad, did she really love him? To my 12-year-old self the answer would be ‘no.’
I had forgotten all about this moment until a couple days ago when I was sifting through my books and found my old, worn copy of Twilight. It was then that I realized how completely warped my mind was to believe something like that. Not only believe it, but sincerely think that my mom was the only one who could correctly answer my question.
At 23-years-old, I am happy to say that I no longer believe that love is represented by the absence of oxygen when your significant other isn’t around. But that made me wonder–how is love represented to me now; and when I come across yet another book years down the road that will take me back to this moment, is this representation something I will still believe in?

To fall in love is a beautiful thing. I am discovering that it’s not something that just occurs all at once. It happens slowly, increasing intensity the further and deeper you fall. I am also realizing that it’s not just an exciting and stimulating feeling; it’s peaceful. Calm. Even if the person that’s in your life in this moment does not end up being “the one”…take comfort in the fact that you’re closer to finding it. Every heartbreak is a step in the right direction. That realization is what will give you peace, and will allow you to keep going. So fall. Deeper every time. Because each time you fall you’re giving yourself the chance to fall into the love that you’re meant to have.

but before you let yourself fall, remember…

“and indeed, there will be time…” 

There is time to love, time to dream, time to make mistakes, and time to redeem yourself. The tough part is finding the difference between taking your time, and wasting your time. I believe it’s a matter of mastering patience, and knowing when to practice it; knowing when to wait, when to go for it, and when to let go.

 

“…to wonder ‘do I dare?’ and ‘do I dare?'” -C.S. Lewis

Dare yourself to fall in love. But first remember you have to be happy without the happiness provided by someone else, and you have to love yourself without the love of someone else. The hardest part is knowing the difference, and I’ve only recently learned how. By taking a step back and finding the center of my happiness I was able to discover that all of the happiness I’ve been feeling and everything incredible in my life has come from me and the life I have been creating for myself. It is not because of the man that is in my life at the time. We have to learn to stop giving the credit for our happiness to the people who do not deserve it.
Love is not like the books. Every story is different, but one thing should always remain the same: create your own happiness in this life, and ask yourself what the other person is bringing to it. Most importantly, you have to be okay with letting that person go if what they are bringing to your life is anything less than pure happiness. You must be okay with being alone until you find the one who gives you exactly what you need…

…you have to be able to breathe by just being…you.

 

 
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There’s a Promise

Journal entry from 2013

I woke up that morning and everything seemed so clear. It was like the answer to all of my penetrating questions was served up gourmet style on a silver platter and placed neatly in my head.

College was starting in less than a week and I realized that I had been desperately trying to hold on to something that will inevitably have to be let go—my high school life, and the friends that had become my world. I had to leave the comfort that had become my life.

But that situation made me think, what would happen if I’m able to actually let go and move on? Kind of a scary thought isn’t it? Because moving on opened the door to so many possibilities that I wasn’t sure I was ready for at the time.

After the day I had this revelation, I started to prepare myself to walk through the open door leading the way to a new chapter of my life.

When I got to college, I convinced myself that no guy could possibly be mature or stimulating enough to hold my attention. High school taught me that, since every man who ever showed interest I eventually shot down because eventually they were no longer able to keep me intrigued—this is what lead to me never having a boyfriend. Ever.

During freshman week, every guy that made a move on me reinforced that belief. That is, until I met Sam.

I thought I had men figured out by the time I left high school and I was starting to truly believe that falling in love just wasn’t in the cards for me. I still laugh at myself and my morbid thought of what I was incapable of.

It was Freshman Week and I had met plenty of guys who very openly expressed their interest; but I wasn’t having any of it, every single guy was pushy and frankly, they were over-doing it. What happened to just being you and hoping for the connection? No, these guys were all wearing disguises and saying everything they felt they should say. But I’ve been through those guys before and I can see straight through their facades and into their cold eyes screaming that they only want one thing. And each guy I came across just reminded me why I never had, or even wanted, a boyfriend.

I was standing with my friend, Emily, while she chatted it up with a group of guys. I remained silent and thought to myself how sad it was that I’ve only been in college for three days and I’m already sick of the men.

As I sighed and looked the other way, that’s when I saw him; a tall, muscular, blonde-haired, blued-eyed man. That’s what got me; the fact that he was the first male I’ve seen that made me think ‘now there’s a man.’ It took me a few seconds to realize that he was on crutches with a big black boot on his left leg.

Without acknowledging any of his other friends we were standing with, he looked straight at me and said, “Hi, I’m Sam.” Little did I know, Sam would become that love that I had thought to be impossible; he would become everything.

His was the typical introduction; one I’ve heard from countless other people. But something about him intrigued me. I honestly cannot remember what we talked about; all I know is we looked around and everyone else had gone. Then we realized we had been standing there talking for about 45 minutes.

“Who is this?” is all I could ask myself when I walked away. And it’s all I continued to ask myself until I saw him next.

Sam and I hung out sporadically over the next several months. He took me to dinner, we saw movies…anything that resembles a typical date, that’s what we did; and I loved every minute of it.

Six months later, after a long courtship and a “you need to make your move, boy,” Sam finally developed enough courage to kiss me for the first time. And that’s what we did all night; just kissed. Sam is a gentleman in that way. He never disrespected me.

Two years later, Sam and I are still together and I have never been in a happier place than I am right now—although, I seem to say the same thing everyday. But I’ve learned that’s what love is; I didn’t “fall” in love because I never really stopped falling. I fall more in love every single day; with Sam, with my life, with my friends, with the thought of my future…I fall in love with everything I have overlooked since before him.

Don’t get me wrong; we have had our ups and downs—plenty of them. I’ve despised him one moment, then the next I am crying because I know I cannot picture myself without that man. Sometimes I think that we can never get past an argument, then the next moment he’s holding me and making everything better. But most of the time I’m smiling like a love-struck fool because I am in a constant state of unwavering bliss.

Throughout our relationship Sam has shown me that not every aspect of our love is going to be like a fairytale—but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a happily ever after. After all, he is my imperfectly perfect Prince Charming.

Sam is the reason I have opened myself up to the possibility of love, and he is the reason I have let love consume me.

I’ve learned that love doesn’t have to be perfect. In fact, most the time it’s just the opposite. Never have I heard a story of love that was perfect from start to finish. But in a way, isn’t that what makes love flawless? The fact that when love is real it can make it through anything.

I know this all sounds a bit cliché but I’m finally starting to get it. It doesn’t have to be flawless…the timing can be all wrong…every little thing about the other person can get on your nerves…it can happen when you least expect it and make you think that something must be wrong, even when everything is right…they can drive you crazy…they can make you cry, laugh, smile, sing… they can make you the happiest person in the world then in a split second make it all come crumbling down. Despite all the imperfections, miserable moments, and the times when you feel like dancing, you’ll realize that none of that matters. In the end, love is love; and when it’s real, you never stop falling.

two years later…

It’s truly amazing how people change. It’s also amazing how people tend to stay the same. However, it’s not so amazing when one person is growing while the other remains rooted. And that’s what happened with Sam and I. And that’s why we broke up. That’s also why I am perfectly okay with it.

Our breakup happened nearly a year ago, but recently I’ve been reflecting on it and how happy I’ve become without him. What I felt for him was not real love. There is no way it could have been. I stand by what I said above–he taught me that I was capable of loving; but I now know that I am capable of a love so much deeper. A love full of fire and passion; intellect and understanding. A love that doesn’t hold back and endlessly motivates. A love that doesn’t require you to compromise your dreams; but rather a love that helps make those dreams a reality.

To anyone who is having a rough time going through a breakup, I have one thing to say: whatever you’re facing, there is promise for the ones who just hold on. There is something better.

 

photo credit- thoughtcatalog.com

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You Can Say Anything

In this life, we are bound to be set free. So if you could say anything, what would it be?

What I want to say and what I want  to feel are things that I have longed for, but have never allowed myself to have.

How do you know when to let go; of your fears, your reservations, your doubts…more importantly, how do you know when to let go of your excuses.

For the majority of my life I have kept my heart guarded. I convinced myself that it has never been the “right time” for love. And I used meaningless logic to justify that decision. As a result, I somehow convinced myself that love isn’t needed to be happy; because with love comes compromise.

But what is life without love? I refuse to become a person afraid of love with a false sense of happiness alone in a room surrounded by nothing but my achievements.

What a shame it would be not to love.

I don’t need to be saved, never have been. But maybe it’s okay to allow myself to be saved. I am the hero of my story. But maybe in my story it’s possible for the hero and the white knight to live happily ever after, saving one another equally.