“Active Waiting” is a term I’ve recently come across. Basically it refers to your state of mind while you are in the midst of a waiting period and challenges you to keep the end-goal at the forefront of your thoughts in an effort to rid your heart of any anxiety or sense of urgency.
I like to think of myself as a patient person. But there’s a delicate grace that is needed when you find yourself waiting for something that feels just out of reach; and that necessary grace needs to be a constant and active pursuit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a hard time with this.
I would go through periods of extreme anxiety (and honestly, still do at times) as I watched the people around me move forward with a life I thought I wanted for myself; and as a response, I made myself available to be of service whenever I am needed despite what I was needing at the time. Maybe to get a taste of the life I was craving; maybe to feel a sense of importance while the people I hold closest to my heart moved on; maybe both. Don’t get me wrong, helping those I love fulfills me in many ways. But something was still missing. I soon realized that being too available to fill spaces in other people’s lives only made it so that no one could step into mine. I didn’t have room for anyone in my life, including myself. I lost my identity through years of trying to help others find their own. This passed year, however, that all changed.
I know what I want for myself, so I became more mindful of how I wait.
I still have my life structured so that I can be there for those who need me at a moment’s notice; but I protect my peace first. While I understand being there for someone can at times be inconvenient, it should still be done; and can be done in a way that doesn’t disrupt your own stability. You see, “actively waiting” for something you want to happen in your life means also coming to terms with the fact that you do not have it yet; and distracting yourself from that fact only lengthens the waiting period. Surrounding yourself with people who have the things you want can be incredibly motivating; but it can also be destructive if you then go home and think you are lacking simply because your life looks a little bit different.
Take a moment, sit back, accept where you are, and marvel at your life. Be thankful for the grief that softened you, the heartache that wisened you, and the suffering that strengthened you. Despite everything, you still grew. Be proud.
Once you become content with the wait, you won’t settle for anything less than your standards. You are going to find what you’re looking for; and if you don’t, you’ll find something better. You will find happiness that exists on your own terms. But first you need to take the time to find what moves you, what inspires you, and what fulfills you. Then you need to find the courage to chase those things. One day you will find that you are brave enough to believe that you are deserving of all of things that set your soul on fire, and you alone are capable and worthy of creating the kind of life that inspires that fire to stay burning. Through that strength, you’ll learn to never let convenience talk you out of the life you are craving. You’ll learn that surrendering in order to make others more comfortable is not an option.
I hope you in turn find the kind of love that makes you a softer person; a love that makes you better but accepts exactly who you are in every moment. I hope you find someone who becomes your favorite thing and makes the fall less fearful. Someone who chooses you every day because nothing is more beautiful than when someone builds you a home in their heart.
But before you can find that love, you need to master the art of waiting gracefully, and learn to enjoy every minute of the journey.
Refuel your soul, girl. This is a long drive.