I’m realizing that one of my biggest fears is to no longer be desired by the people I care about; a fear of “over-staying my welcome.” So I intentionally distance myself until they miss me, then I return to their lives. And the cycle continues.
I’m also realizing that I’m not the only one who feels this way or tends to do this. How many times have you felt that you’re putting too much into a relationship or a friendship and thought well maybe I should back off and see if they notice and reach out ?
We all have either done this or have been given this advice. But where does this fear stem from? Well, I think I’ve finally figured it out. This fear is the result of countless relationships throughout our lives where people leave, then a few weeks later come back with the “I miss you” texts and phone calls. It’s that simple.
We’ve learned to believe that in order to create desire, we must first create distance.
It’s true that distance can make the heart grow fonder. But there comes a point when the distance that’s intentionally created to mimic that effect becomes perceived has indifference, and this is where the problem begins. When did we become so afraid to openly express what we are wanting? When did this fear of seeming “needy” become so ingrained in our minds that we would willingly rather be distant and alone than speak our minds and possibly get what is it that we’re longing for? More importantly, what does it take to overcome this?
It seems that my whole generation feels the need at some point to prove a point. Whether it be to themselves or to someone else, we feel as if we need to prove that we are independent and self-sufficient in order to feel worthy and respected. And while those are great attributes to aspire to, trying to prove them to others for the wrong reasons can result in an innate disdain for any opportunity to rely on someone else. So maybe the tendency to create distance to see if others reach out is a way to prove to yourself that you’re needed.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to feel needed. But to intentionally put someone you love in a situation where they’re missing and needing you in order to prove your own worth seems selfish to me. I never realized how destructive that type of action is until I began writing this post. The behavior is destructive because it then creates tense and dependent relationships that rely on one person having more power than the other.
If we were able to accept that we can be both independent and reliant upon those we love, then we wouldn’t be so afraid to express whatever it is that we would need.
It took someone to convince me that he would never leave for me to believe that the ones who count never would in the first place.
It’s okay to ask for help.
It’s okay to tell some one you want to see them. Right now. Tonight. Tomorrow. Forever.
It’s okay to bare your heart and soul to the people you love while also knowing that it’s okay if it doesn’t work out. Because one day it will.
It’s okay to be strong and independent, and it’s okay to be weak and broken and allow someone to help put you back together.
We need to stop feeling guilty for the things we feel and start feeling grateful for the opportunity to feel them.