Not quite single, not quite taken. It’s an odd relationship status, but it’s the only one I can seem to identify with. I’ve been single for so long that forfeiting that title almost seems wrong. The words “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” sound so odd coming out of my mouth that I can only assume it’s because I’m simply not ready for that step. But I’m also not interested in dating multiple people; I’m a one-guy-kind-of-gal with an odd set of commitment issues. So “not-so-single single” seems like the right title for me.
“Working on my high hopes…”
I have happily mastered the art of singlehood, but it’s becoming more apparent that I am completely clueless on how to conduct a real relationship. Yes, I know exactly what I want for myself and what I’m looking for in a lifetime partner. I know down to the tiniest detail what kind of relationship I want. But I have no idea how to get there.
I know how to be single; I know the kind of partnership I want; I don’t know the steps in between.
“…going to make you cross the tight ropes…”
The hopeless romantic in me wants to say that those steps will just fall into place with the right person; but the realist in me knows that’s complete bull. Watching the relationships around me between the people I love has taught me that any relationship is work regardless if it’s with the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks or your soulmate. A relationship is a choice you have to make every single day; and I honestly think the lack of that realization is why so many relationships fail, and is why I’m so reluctant to give up my “single” title. I need to know without a doubt that the person I choose to be with is also choosing me every single day despite my faults; because that’s exactly what I will do. Only then, when we irrevocably choose one another, will the “steps in between” fall into place and I will be able to cast aside my “single” title with confidence.
“…I’ll see you there.”
The biggest mistake I could possibly make is rush into something that may not be right. So for now I’ll remain open and love for as long as it feels right, and have enough courage to take a step back when it starts to feel wrong; I’ll remember to breathe a little more and stress a little less; I’ll write until my mind is clear and my worry is gone, but remain calm on the days when that just doesn’t seem possible; I’ll cry when I need to without an ounce of shame because I’ll know that my smile will return; and I’ll know that everything, no matter what, will be okay.
So, until I am chosen by the one whom I also choose I will remain the not-so-single single girl. And that’s perfectly fine, because I can wait.
Subheads inspired by "High Hopes" by Glen Hansard. Amazing song. Go listen to it.