Journal entry from 2013
I woke up that morning and everything seemed so clear. It was like the answer to all of my penetrating questions was served up gourmet style on a silver platter and placed neatly in my head.
College was starting in less than a week and I realized that I had been desperately trying to hold on to something that will inevitably have to be let go—my high school life, and the friends that had become my world. I had to leave the comfort that had become my life.
But that situation made me think, what would happen if I’m able to actually let go and move on? Kind of a scary thought isn’t it? Because moving on opened the door to so many possibilities that I wasn’t sure I was ready for at the time.
After the day I had this revelation, I started to prepare myself to walk through the open door leading the way to a new chapter of my life.
When I got to college, I convinced myself that no guy could possibly be mature or stimulating enough to hold my attention. High school taught me that, since every man who ever showed interest I eventually shot down because eventually they were no longer able to keep me intrigued—this is what lead to me never having a boyfriend. Ever.
During freshman week, every guy that made a move on me reinforced that belief. That is, until I met Sam.
I thought I had men figured out by the time I left high school and I was starting to truly believe that falling in love just wasn’t in the cards for me. I still laugh at myself and my morbid thought of what I was incapable of.
It was Freshman Week and I had met plenty of guys who very openly expressed their interest; but I wasn’t having any of it, every single guy was pushy and frankly, they were over-doing it. What happened to just being you and hoping for the connection? No, these guys were all wearing disguises and saying everything they felt they should say. But I’ve been through those guys before and I can see straight through their facades and into their cold eyes screaming that they only want one thing. And each guy I came across just reminded me why I never had, or even wanted, a boyfriend.
I was standing with my friend, Emily, while she chatted it up with a group of guys. I remained silent and thought to myself how sad it was that I’ve only been in college for three days and I’m already sick of the men.
As I sighed and looked the other way, that’s when I saw him; a tall, muscular, blonde-haired, blued-eyed man. That’s what got me; the fact that he was the first male I’ve seen that made me think ‘now there’s a man.’ It took me a few seconds to realize that he was on crutches with a big black boot on his left leg.
Without acknowledging any of his other friends we were standing with, he looked straight at me and said, “Hi, I’m Sam.” Little did I know, Sam would become that love that I had thought to be impossible; he would become everything.
His was the typical introduction; one I’ve heard from countless other people. But something about him intrigued me. I honestly cannot remember what we talked about; all I know is we looked around and everyone else had gone. Then we realized we had been standing there talking for about 45 minutes.
“Who is this?” is all I could ask myself when I walked away. And it’s all I continued to ask myself until I saw him next.
Sam and I hung out sporadically over the next several months. He took me to dinner, we saw movies…anything that resembles a typical date, that’s what we did; and I loved every minute of it.
Six months later, after a long courtship and a “you need to make your move, boy,” Sam finally developed enough courage to kiss me for the first time. And that’s what we did all night; just kissed. Sam is a gentleman in that way. He never disrespected me.
Two years later, Sam and I are still together and I have never been in a happier place than I am right now—although, I seem to say the same thing everyday. But I’ve learned that’s what love is; I didn’t “fall” in love because I never really stopped falling. I fall more in love every single day; with Sam, with my life, with my friends, with the thought of my future…I fall in love with everything I have overlooked since before him.
Don’t get me wrong; we have had our ups and downs—plenty of them. I’ve despised him one moment, then the next I am crying because I know I cannot picture myself without that man. Sometimes I think that we can never get past an argument, then the next moment he’s holding me and making everything better. But most of the time I’m smiling like a love-struck fool because I am in a constant state of unwavering bliss.
Throughout our relationship Sam has shown me that not every aspect of our love is going to be like a fairytale—but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a happily ever after. After all, he is my imperfectly perfect Prince Charming.
Sam is the reason I have opened myself up to the possibility of love, and he is the reason I have let love consume me.
I’ve learned that love doesn’t have to be perfect. In fact, most the time it’s just the opposite. Never have I heard a story of love that was perfect from start to finish. But in a way, isn’t that what makes love flawless? The fact that when love is real it can make it through anything.
I know this all sounds a bit cliché but I’m finally starting to get it. It doesn’t have to be flawless…the timing can be all wrong…every little thing about the other person can get on your nerves…it can happen when you least expect it and make you think that something must be wrong, even when everything is right…they can drive you crazy…they can make you cry, laugh, smile, sing… they can make you the happiest person in the world then in a split second make it all come crumbling down. Despite all the imperfections, miserable moments, and the times when you feel like dancing, you’ll realize that none of that matters. In the end, love is love; and when it’s real, you never stop falling.
two years later…
It’s truly amazing how people change. It’s also amazing how people tend to stay the same. However, it’s not so amazing when one person is growing while the other remains rooted. And that’s what happened with Sam and I. And that’s why we broke up. That’s also why I am perfectly okay with it.
Our breakup happened nearly a year ago, but recently I’ve been reflecting on it and how happy I’ve become without him. What I felt for him was not real love. There is no way it could have been. I stand by what I said above–he taught me that I was capable of loving; but I now know that I am capable of a love so much deeper. A love full of fire and passion; intellect and understanding. A love that doesn’t hold back and endlessly motivates. A love that doesn’t require you to compromise your dreams; but rather a love that helps make those dreams a reality.
To anyone who is having a rough time going through a breakup, I have one thing to say: whatever you’re facing, there is promise for the ones who just hold on. There is something better.
photo credit- thoughtcatalog.com