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Confessions of the Not-So-Single Single Girl

Not quite single, not quite taken. It’s an odd relationship status, but it’s the only one I can seem to identify with. I’ve been single for so long that forfeiting that title almost seems wrong. The words “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” sound so odd coming out of my mouth that I can only assume it’s because I’m simply not ready for that step. But I’m also not interested in dating multiple people; I’m a one-guy-kind-of-gal with an odd set of commitment issues. So “not-so-single single” seems like the right title for me.

“Working on my high hopes…”

I have happily mastered the art of singlehood, but it’s becoming more apparent that I am completely clueless on how to conduct a real relationship. Yes, I know exactly what I want for myself and what I’m looking for in a lifetime partner. I know down to the tiniest detail what kind of relationship I want. But I have no idea how to get there.

I know how to be single; I know the kind of partnership I want; I don’t know the steps in between. 

“…going to make you cross the tight ropes…”

The hopeless romantic in me wants to say that those steps will just fall into place with the right person; but the realist in me knows that’s complete bull. Watching the relationships around me between the people I love has taught me that any relationship is work regardless if it’s with the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks or your soulmate. A relationship is a choice you have to make every single day; and I honestly think the lack of that realization is why so many relationships fail, and is why I’m so reluctant to give up my “single” title. I need to know without a doubt that the person I choose to be with is also choosing me every single day despite my faults; because that’s exactly what I will do. Only then, when we irrevocably choose one another, will the “steps in between” fall into place and I will be able to cast aside my “single” title with confidence.

“…I’ll see you there.”

The biggest mistake I could possibly make is rush into something that may not be right. So for now I’ll remain open and love for as long as it feels right, and have enough courage to take a step back when it starts to feel wrong; I’ll remember to breathe a little more and stress a little less; I’ll write until my mind is clear and my worry is gone, but remain calm on the days when that just doesn’t seem possible; I’ll cry when I need to without an ounce of shame because I’ll know that my smile will return; and I’ll know that everything, no matter what, will be okay. 

So, until I am chosen by the one whom I also choose I will remain the not-so-single single girl. And that’s perfectly fine, because I can wait. 

 

Subheads inspired by "High Hopes" by Glen Hansard. Amazing song. Go listen to it.
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For the girl who has not yet been chosen

“Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” – Luke 1:45

It’s someone saying, “I know you, inside and out; good and bad. And I don’t want it.”

That’s the risk you take when you decide to open your heart. So how do you justify this risk? How do you justify willingly putting yourself in that position when you’ve never really been in love and all you’ve experienced is the “I don’t want you”? Because that happens. Some people never get the opportunity to experience what it’s like to have someone truly want you. Even if it doesn’t ultimately work out, some people never experience the feeling of someone saying, “yes, I’m in this. You and me. Let’s see where this goes.”

I’m one of those people. I’ve never had someone choose me and reject all of the other prospects; not completely at least. Anyone I’ve ever been with has always had one foot out the door and in another. So why do I keep trying? The answer is simple:

It’s those brief moments of pure happiness; of peace. Those brief moments that show you what forever could feel like. That’s why I keep trying. I have faith that one day that fleeting and temporary feeling will last a lifetime.

One day I will meet someone who will add so much to my happiness that those passing moments will seem like nothing; because this moment, this man, will make it all worth it.

I know I’m worth this. I’m worth the chance to give my heart to someone and to know that he’s not going anywhere.

The hardest part of this realization is remaining patient and holding on to the standards you’ve developed throughout the years. Being in this position will irrevocably shape you into a stronger and independent being, which in turn will make those brief moments of loneliness seem so much longer. Everything is so much more intense for those who handle their emotions on their own; but, that can be kind of beautiful, can’t it? Yes, those hard moments are heartbreaking; but that just means the incredible moments will be breathtaking in a way that people who have experienced love over and over again could never understand.

To those who are considering settling for anything less than amazing… stop making excuses.

“But he made me laugh.” Someone else will make you laugh. “But he held my hand.” Someone else will hold your heart. “But he texted me ‘good morning.'” Someone else will be there when you wake up. And this “someone else” will do what no one else has done–commit to you.

“Be strong. Be brave. Be fearless. You are never alone.” – Joshua 1:9